


Could've Been

by songbirdwrites



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Lives AU, M/M, More tags as I go, TW: Suicide, i dont really know what im doing with this yet, kinda obvious but still, the slowest of burns, treebros
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-17
Packaged: 2018-11-30 00:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11451789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/songbirdwrites/pseuds/songbirdwrites
Summary: "Let me get this straight. You told my parents that we were secretly best friends?"Evan nodded."Why?"He shrugged, picking at the hem of his shirt, and refusing to meet Connor's eyes. This was all so strange. Evan could hardly believe they were in a hospital. That Connor had just tried to kill himself, and now they were having a relatively normal sounding conversation."Now we can both pretend we have friends."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Dear Evan Hansen. Please don't sue me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I just had this idea, and I don't really know where I'm going with it yet, but I thought I'd post anyways. Enjoy :)
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> -Suicide Mentions  
> -Hospitals  
> -Bad Parenting

_Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god._

Evan could feel his hands hands shaking as he tried to sit still in his uncomfortable school chair. The teacher was droning on and normally he'd be paying attention, or at least trying, but the last three days had been anxiety hell. Ever since Connor had stolen his letter.

His foot was tapping silently against the ground, and the bags under his eyes gave away his lack of sleep. His brain was on a constant loop of _Why did he take it? What will he do with it? Will he show Zoe? What will she think? How do I stop him? Is it too late? Why did he take it? What will he-_

He didn't hear the bell go off, and he just barely heard his name on the loudspeaker, but it was so out of place that he was startled from his thoughts. 

Evan didn't exactly get in trouble. The only times he'd been called to the office before were when his mother came to pick him up.

_Oh god, what if it's an emergency?_

A whole fresh wave of anxieties washed over him as he made his way to the principal's office. He just wanted his mom to be okay. As long as she was okay, he was okay. As long as she was _alive_. 

Evan didn't find the principal, only two strangers, with lost looks in their eyes, which most definitely didn't help to lessen his anxieties. The whole world was spinning, and it kind of sounded like everyone was speaking underwater, even himself.

"Um, I'm sorry, is- is Mr.. Howard...? I heard my name on the loudspeaker,"

"Mr. Howard stepped out." One of the strangers informed him. "We wanted to speak to you in private."

 _OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD._ This was the end. Something had happened. A car accident, or something at the hospital. His mom was dead and now he was really alone and he'd have to live as a foster kid, or just on his own and no one would would really care about him they'd just be in it for the money-

"We're Connor's parents."

The world wasn't spinning anymore. The water had drained out of his ears. In it's place was just confusion. He could see and hear again, but now it was jibberish.

"Oh?"

"Why don't you go ahead," Mr. Murphy said to his wife, who Evan could now tell had all the signs of distress in her face. The puffy red eyes, the posture, _that look_.

"I'm going as fast as I can." Her voice cracked, and it broke Evan's heart.

"This is- Connor wanted you to have this." Mr. Murphy held out a messily folded piece of paper. The corners were rough and bent from being in someone's pocket for too long. "We'd never heard your name before. Connor never mentioned... But it's right there. 'Dear Evan Hansen',".

"Connor gave this to you?" Evan's stomach sank to the floor. He'd shown his _parents_. No doubt Zoe had seen it. No doubt everyone had seen it. This was the end.

"We didn't know you two were friends."

"Friends?"

"We didn't think Connor had any friends. But this note suggests pretty clearly. You two are- or at least, Connor thinks of you as a friend. I mean it's addressed to you. 'Dear Evan Hansen'."

"You think that Connor wrote this to me?" Why wouldn't the jibberish stop? Why didn't anything make sense? Evan always felt like a fish out of water, but at least people were usually all speaking the same language.

"These are the words he wanted to share with you," Mrs. Murphy finally said, somehow still conveying motherly warmth through her distress.

"His last words." Mr. Murphy added bluntly. "Or at least, what he intended his last words to be."

"I-I'm sorry what do you mean, last words?"

"Connor tried to take his own life." Mr. Murphy said, causing a rough sob to escape Mrs. Murphy's throat.

"What?"

The world was spinning once again. _Why? Why? Why? Why? Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god-_

Without realizing it, Evan was out of his seat. He was shaking again. _Jibberish, jibberish._ This wasn't right. There was a mistake. Why was _he_ here?

"He- he left this note." Mrs. Murphy said, pointing to the letter still in Evan's trembling fingers. "He wanted you to see this,"

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god._ Connor still- they thought? Did Zoe-? He had to set this straight.

"C-Connor didn't write this." 

"What do you mean?"

"He's obviously in shock, Cynthia."

Evan didn't say anything. He tried so hard to bring the words out. He needed to fix this mistake. This wasn't his place. He shouldn't be here. They had it all wrong. But every time, the sentences died in his throat.

"Connor is in the hospital now." Mr. Murphy continued. "He's not doing well, but they think he's going to survive."

This produced several more strangled noises from Mrs. Murphy.

"If you know anything, if Connor said anything, please tell us," Mrs. Murphy choked out, eyes bearing into Evan's soul.

He just clenched his jaw, and avoided eye contact. These were extremely uncharted territories, and most of his functions seemed to be shutting down. All of his willpower was being redirected into not having a panic attack.

Mr. Murphy looked away with a disappointed fatherly sigh. Mrs. Murphy held out a hand, taking Evan's in hers.

"You can come with us to visit him tomorrow. He should be up by then."

Evan opened his mouth, trying desperately to force out the words that needed to be said. Then he closed it. He nodded. 

The smile that Cynthia Murphy gave him was _almost_ worth it.

\-----

The car ride to hospital was excruciating. Evan couldn't stop fidgeting, because what was he going to do when they got there and Connor told everyone he was lying? And he was sitting right next to Zoe Murphy who was staring pointedly out of the window, looking kind of pissed off but still really pretty, and that made him nervous, and _oh god_ , what was she going to do when she realized that Evan had written that letter? She was going to think he was weird and creepy, and she'd never-

"So, how long have you and Connor been friends?" Mrs. Murphy always smiled like she was everyone's mother. Normally, Evan may have found it soothing, but right now, he could do without the questions.

"I- I dunno. A year-ish?" Evan offered. It didn't matter what he said, Connor would set it straight. Connor was going to tell everyone how much of a liar he was-

"I've never even seen you two together before. Except when he shoved you at school." Zoe finally spoke up. She was very right, and very pretty pretty pretty-

"He shoved you?"

"Well, it was- He didn't want... people to know we were friends. So we didn't hang out around people. And we didn't talk at school. I tried, but he- yeah," 

"Why wouldn't he want people to know you were friends?"

"He was embarrassed, I think. He thought I was- Maybe I seemed like-"

"A nerd?" Zoe raised one of her delicate pretty pretty eyebrows.

"I was going to say loser, but yeah..."

There were more questions. It was like an interrogation. Evan just wanted them to be quiet, he just wanted to keep his mouth shut, but somehow he found himself spouting details to meetings that never happened, relaying messages that had never been sent, and quoting conversations that had never been had. 

By the time they arrived at the hospital, he had fabricated an entire new version of himself, and pulled Connor along for the ride. It was sort of a rush, and Evan liked people thinking of him differently. 

But, he knew it was all about to come crashing down. Evan could feel the tension coursing through his entire body as they stepped through the hospital doors. He could feel the all-too-familiar sensation of dread wash over him as they approached Connor's room. His hands started to shake as he caught sight of that tangle of hair on a hospital pillow.

But seeing his face made Evan momentarily forget his own troubles. Connor was a mess. All tubes and wires, machines and hospital clothes. His hair was knotted and messy, and his eyes looked empty, staring endlessly at the white tile ceiling. 

"Hey, Connor. You have some visitors," A nurse gently nudged his shoulder, but Connor didn't move. Terrible, awkward silence was almost tangible in the room, and Evan honestly wondered if Connor had even heard what the nurse said.

"He's just being melodramatic." Mr. Murphy assured, wrapping an arm around Evan's shoulder and pulling him to the bed. "Connor, your friend is here to see you."

Connor's eyes flicked to Evan's face, and he was momentarily struck by how blue they were. But, his own troubles were back on the surface of his mind. He could feel moisture pooling at the corners of his own eyes, and prayed it wasn't noticeable. 

"Evan?" He said it so softly. The confusion that painted his features was too easily mistaken as fondness and curiosity.

Evan tried to swallow the lump in his throat. He could feel his heart beating out of control in his chest, and his hands were starting to clam up.

"Hey, Connor."

Mrs. Murphy whispered behind them. "A nurse told me that he hasn't said a word since he woke up. But he'll talk to Evan. I just knew it,"

"So Connor, you feeling better yet? I'm sure you'll be good to go home anytime now," Mr. Murphy boomed. 

Connor looked back at the ceiling, but Evan noticed the slight wince in his eyes.

Thankfully, Mrs. Murphy had the grace to take Mr. Murphy and Zoe out of the room, leaving Evan and Connor to their conversation. 

"What? He looks fine, Cynthia," Mr. Murphy argued on his way out, before shutting the door far too loudly. 

"What the fuck?" Connor groaned, throwing his head back into his pillow.

"I- I don't- I'm so- uh-" Evan's stuttering was so out of control, and he wasn't even sure what he was trying to say, which didn't help. 

"I don't want to be here," Connor growled. Evan wasn't sure if he meant the hospital, or just the world in general, but he decided to might not be polite to ask. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"I- I don't- I'm just- um..." Evan finally held out the letter, which he had been on his person ever since the office, even when he slept. He was terrified of losing it again.

Connor took it, not even needing to unfold the paper to know what it was. 

"They thought- your parents thought you wrote that to me."

"And?" Connor asked, toying with the edges of the note. 

"Well, I just- and now they think- I couldn't-"

"Wait, you didn't tell them?"

"No, not really. I mean, they kept guessing things and I was freaked out and I- I didn't want them to know that I wrote it, so I was just smiling and nodding, but they thought we must have been friends, which makes sense since they thought you wrote the note, but we weren't, not that we couldn't have been because you seem nice, well not nice, but cool, I mean not that you're not not nice, but I don't really know you that well, anyways, I guess I kind of told them we were friends, but no one knew, because obviously they didn't know, and they would have known if we were friends, but were not, not that I don't want to, I mean unless you don't want to but-"

"Whoa." Connor jumped in, halting Evan's runaway thoughts. "I maybe got half of what you just said."

"Sorry."

"Let me get this straight. You told my parents that we were secretly best friends?"

Evan nodded.

"Why?"

He shrugged, picking at the hem of his shirt, and refusing to meet Connor's eyes. This was all so strange. Evan could hardly believe they were in a hospital. That Connor had just tried to kill himself, and now they were having a relatively normal sounding conversation. 

"Now we can both pretend we have friends." 

Connor's expression softened, and he sat up a little.

"Besides," Evan continued. "I think we have a lot in common." He shifted his cast arm ever so slightly, Connor's name in big letters staring back at him. 

Connor let out a breath. He tried to think of something to say, but was mercifully cut off. 

"B-but, I mean, it was crazy for me to say all that. Crazy, right? You can tell them I lied if you want. Why would I even do that? I just opened my mouth and it all came spilling out, but that's not your fault, you shouldn't have to deal with this. Just tell them I lied. If you want to hit me now you can, but not to hard, my mom will be disappointed if I come home with a black eye-"

"Hansen."

"Yeah? Sorry, I'm sorry."

Connor laughed despite himself. A genuine laugh. He couldn't remember the last time his laugh hadn't been short and sarcastic. He finished it with a breathy "I'm in."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I mean... why not? You dug yourself a pretty deep hole here, what kind of 'friend' would I be if I didn't help you out?" 

Evans face cracked into a grin. "You- you don't have to."

"Naw, it's cool. Besides, this could be very interesting,"

_Very interesting indeed._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's starting to be the faint outline of a plot, but only if you squint.
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> -Suicide Mentions  
> -Homophobic Slur  
> -Daddy Issues  
> -Maybe Sedation  
> -Asphyxiation

"So, you should probably fill me in on the whole, secret friendship thing," Connor said, idly flipping through the Wonder Woman comic that Evan had stolen from the waiting room. 

He looked better today. His hair had been brushed, or at least combed through with his fingers. He was sitting up and seemed well rested, probably thanks to some medication or another. Best of all, his eyes looked bright and alive.

Evan was back at the hospital, hardly twenty-fours hours after his last visit. He was trying to play the role of best friend, and this was the best he could figure. Spend as much time with Connor as possible. Be there for Connor in his time of need. Steal Connor comic books from the waiting room.

That last one wasn't even part of their fake friendship. Connor had genuinely asked Evan to get him something to read. The lack of specifics was anxiety inducing, but Evan choose what he would have wanted, and was pleasantly surprised when Connor said it was perfect. 

"Well, um, I said we were friends?" 

"Funny, I already knew that,"

"I- I dunno. I said we did friend things? We would hang out at my place a lot, and go for walks and just talk? Sometimes we went to your house, if no one was home, and played video games, but mostly we didn't meet in person, we emailed, and you had a secret email account, so that no one would know we were friends. A- and we kind of had this special place, this old apple orchard where we would go and hang out, and sometimes we would climb the trees, but mostly we'd just talk about stuff, all kinds of stuff, I don't really know,"

Connor looked at him with one eyebrow raised, reminding Evan very much of Zoe.

"You made this really fucking elaborate,"

"I mean it wasn't intentional, like I said before it just kind of slipped out, and they would ask questions, and was just like 'yeah, totally, of course,' because I was already in so deep and I didn't really know what to do-"

"Why the orchard?"

"Huh? Oh, well that was their inference. I didn't even know there was an orchard until yesterday, but your mom remembered it, and I was like 'yeah, Connor loved that place' and it kinda took off from there."

"I fucking hate that orchard,"

"Oh,"

Connor sighed. "I guess that's not fair. It just one of those things you know? It's all weirdly nostalgic, and it just makes me sad."

"I'm sorry,"

"It's okay,"

They sat in silence again. Evan messed with his shirt hem, and focused very hard on the different posters on the walls. Connor read his comic.

"So, your parents aren't back today?" Evan regretted the words as soon as they came out of his mouth. 

Connor snorted. "Why would they come visit? They have better things to do."

"My- my mom is always busy, too. I don't see her that much between classes and work."

"What about your dad?"

"He lives in Colorado, with my step mom and their kids. I mean I see him sometimes, maybe once a yearish, but hes pretty busy, family you know? And he calls sometimes, but mostly thats just really awkward and I'd almost rather he just didn't because if he didn't I could pretend that he didn't exist and I wouldn't have to be sad about it..."

"Fuck, dude."

They relapsed into silence, but it was tiniest, smallest bit less awkward.

"Did you say anything else?"

"About what?"

"About us."

"Oh, uh, no, I think that was it."

Connor flipped the comic shut and tossed it across the bed. He sat cross-legged, facing Evan. 

"Alright, this shouldn't be too hard. I can start fawning over apples, my mom will love it. You can come over and play video games, they'll totally eat it up. I think the biggest thing here are those emails,"

"What- what about them?"

"How do we prove they were real?"

Evan's stomach sank. He hadn't thought of that. Would the Murphy's really ask to see the emails?

"Can't we just say they were private?"

"Pfft. To my parents? That'll only make them want to see them more."

"I- I think that, maybe, I can figure that out."

"How?"

\-----

Jared had the most shit-eating grin on his face the whole time they were at the hospital. It grew especially wide while they were in Connor's room. He lounged on Connor's tiny hospital bed, taking up most of the space, and forcing Connor to squeeze uncomfortably at one end.

Connor mostly just glared at the opposite wall, refusing to make eye-contact. 

Evan started to wonder if this had been a bad idea.

"Back-dating emails is a piece of cake. No problemo. I only have one question. Why the fuck are you two pretending you're best friends?"

Connor clenched his jaw, still staring at the opposite wall. He would've looked extremely threatening, if it wasn't for his pastel hospital gown.

"I- w- we- it's just-"

"This isn't some kinda weird roleplay thing is it?" Jared was already tapping away on his laptop, and thus didn't see Connor's fists tighten around his bed sheets.

"No! No, no no no," Evan stammered out, face turning a ridiculous shade of red.

"Then why? Your parents only agreed to let you come home if you could prove you actually have friends?"

"Uh, J- Jared. Maybe we should-"

"Because you think I can't make friends?"

_Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god._

"I dunno what you get up to in your spare time Murphy," Jared drawled. "But _I_ don't know anyone who likes you," 

"Yeah? And people just _love_ you, don't they Kleinman?"

"Aw, he knows my name,"

Connor had been inching closer and closer to Jared the entire exchange, and now there faces were mere inches apart. Evan was finally compelled to his feet, mere seconds after Connor lunged for Jared.

"WHERE ARE YOUR FRIENDS? WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE GROVELING AT _YOUR_ FEET?"

Jared's laptop hit the floor. Connor was on top of him, hands clamped around Jared's neck. 

Jared choked out a noise, but he couldn't form any coherent words at this point.

Evan needed to do _something_ , but he was frozen. 

Connor hit Jared only once before the commotion caused several hospital staff to come running. They pulled the boys apart. 

Judging from the sickening crack the impact had made, and the bright marks blossoming on Jared's neck, it was a good thing they were in a hospital. 

"You fucking faggot!" Connor spat, as Jared was escorted from the room, blood gushing down the better part of his face.

Evan could finally move again. He tried to get to Connor, who was still fuming, and was still being held back by a nurse, but was steered away by one of the other staff that had interrupted the fight.

"Wait, I need to-"

"It might be better if we leave Connor alone for a little bit, he's clearly agitated," 

"B-but-"

The door shut behind them. Evan looked back, to see the nurse giving Connor a shot of something. We're they sedating him? Like an animal?

This was all Evan's fault. If he hadn't brought Jared none of this would've happened. If he hadn't lied he wouldn't have needed those emails in the first place. 

_I'm sorry, Connor. I'm so so sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No laptops were harmed in the making of this chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, I don't know how ratings work, but I upped it for some sexual content. 
> 
> Trigger Warnings:  
> -Suicide Mentions  
> -Self-harm  
> -Some sexy stuff  
> -Homophobia (kinda)  
> -Poor Control of Emotions

_Lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely,_

Connor hummed, fixing himself a piece of toast.  


_I have nobody, for my own,_

His house was very big, and very empty. Zoe was at school, his father at work, and his mother at some class or another. Maybe yoga?

He didn't mind, he was grateful to be left alone. Weren't you not supposed to do that though? He'd only been home from the hospital for two days.

He took a bite of his toast and pulled open the knife drawer. Empty. As he had anticipated.

A quick trip to the medicine cabinet revealed it also empty. Razors, scissors, and anything else sharp had been removed from the house without a trace. Any medication stronger than vitamin C was hidden somewhere he couldn't find it. 

Connor didn't really mind this either. He wasn't in the mood. He was feeling strangely complacent since his failed attempt.

 _What do normal teenagers do when they're home alone?_ Connor wondered. That question had an easy enough answer.

\-----

He tried to enjoy his porno, he really did, but it was too false. All bizarre camera angles and bright lighting. Connor didn't need to have ever had sex to know that those moans weren't real. 

He gave up after ten minutes and threw his laptop aside. Instead, he turned on his audiobook version of Slaughterhouse-Five. He closed his eyes and let the familiar words sink in.

He was still going to have to do something about the uncomfortable and sort of guilty half-boner he had after his ten minutes of bad-quality-porn watching. 

He sighed, one hand reluctantly unbuttoning his skinny jeans.

Connor shifted as his bed squeaked beneath him. He tugged at blankets to stifle the rhythmic sound of his hand scraping through this pants. No one was home yet, he was pretty sure of that, but it was still second nature to try and be as quiet as possible.

He grunted with a particularly effective hand motion, and quickly covered his mouth to stop any other noises from escaping. 

His legs twisted instinctively at his actions, mussing up his sheets. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander, picking through the library of his favourite arousing thoughts. 

He needed another body. Some human contact to really get him off. Not that he knew what that was like.

He let his mind settle on the book that was still playing over his speakers. It was weird but in a good way. It wasn't really /what/ was being read, more the familiarity of it all. He felt that sensational coiling in his abdomen. 

Faster, harder, his legs twisted together and apart, trying to find the best position for the task. And screw it, no one was home, why be quiet? Connor slumped to his back and used his now free hand to pinch and scratch at the sensitive skin on his collar. He let out a few pitiful noises whenever he did something really right.

The coil tightened, the pressure built, and it was sticky sweet release. 

Connor let himself pant. He let beads of sweat drip from his forehead into his messy hair. He let the hot, numb feeling settle in.

It was almost, _almost_ , as good as being high. That warm fuzzy feeling that lingered in his body. For a while he could just lie and feel content.

He knew the uncomfortable thoughts would come, the jeers from the little monsters in his brain. _Freak. Virgin. Homo. Loser._ He'd feel like shit and swear that he'd never masturbate again. What a lie. 

For now, he felt good, and as it was something he so rarely felt, he figured that it was worth it. 

\-----

Just as Connor was finishing cleaning up his mess, the doorbell rang.

He groaned, not really wanting to interact with anyone at the moment. He waited, hoping they would go away, but the ring was followed by a hesitant rap on the door.

Connor trudged down the hallway and slammed the door open with a haughty "What?" before realizing that it was Evan who had knocked. 

He shrunk away from Connor's outburst but immediately launched into one of his tangents. 

"C- Connor! I'm sorry, I should have come earlier, I meant to, but I didn't know where you lived and I couldn't ask Zoe, because she thinks I've been here before, and I probably would've been too shy to ask her anyway, and I wasn't sure who else to ask, but I eventually found it in the phone book, I hope that's not weird, but, anyways I just came to say that I'm so sorry that I brought Jared to the hospital. I thought that he'd be able to not be a jerk because of the circumstances, but I was wrong, and what he said really wasn't okay, and I'm so sorry, if you want to stop pretending to be my friend, I completely understand."

Connor waited to make sure he was done. Then he waited a little more to formulate a response. He had been mad at Evan for bringing Jared to the hospital, but he was quickly realizing that every time Evan did something that seemed malicious, he was really just being terribly naive.

"Eh, don't worry about it. I probably shouldn't have hit him,"

Evan perked up, and Connor had to hold back giggles at how much Evan reminded him of a forgiven puppy. 

They stared at each other for a moment. Evan said "I guess I should probably go," at the same time that Connor said "Would you like to come in?".

They both fell silent. Then they both spoke again. 

"It's fine if you go,"

"I'd love to come in,"

Evan held his breath, waiting for Connor to speak, not wanting to overlap again.

"Well? Come in,"

They shuffled inside, where, to Connor's embarrassment, Slaughterhouse-Five was still playing. 

"What's that?" Evan asked, sliding his bag off of his shoulders. He quickly realized he didn't know where to put it, and clutched it awkwardly in front of him.

"Throw it anywhere," Connor said, gesturing to the floor. "Um, it's just an audiobook,"

"Oh, you like books?"

Connor made his way to his bedroom, desperate to turn off the book. It was only reminding him of his earlier escapade, which he did not need to be thinking about while Evan was there.

Evan followed dutifully behind him.

"Yeah. Well, I used to. I can't really get into them anymore,"

"That's a symptom of depression,"

Evan clapped a hand over his mouth, Connor only chuckled.

"Another thing that that bastard made me hate,"

Connor flung open the door to his room, having a brief moment of panic where he couldn't remember if he'd left his soiled underwear on the floor. 

His room, it turned out, was messy, but innocent enough. He moved for his phone, endlessly spouting paragraphs, and making Connor feel dirty.

"This is interesting," Evan musing, hovered at Connor's door. "You can leave it on if you want,"

Connor clicked it off, relief washing over him. "Naw, I'm not really feeling it today,"

"So, um, what happens now? Uh, now that you're out of the hospital?"

"Oh, you know. Mandatory therapy, and meds supplied to me one dose at a time by the parental units,"

"Heh, relatable,"

Connor furrowed his eyebrows but smiled. This Evan kid sure was... different. He wasn't quite like anyone Connor had ever known before. 

Connor gently directed Evan away from the door and into his living room. He was pretending he had a plan here, but there really wasn't much to do in this giant, empty house. The Wii was an exception. 

He wordlessly clicked on the machine and handed Evan a remote. They played for a long time without speaking.

Connor cursed over and over again in his head. This was so _awkward_. They should be talking, laughing, sharing stories, right? That's what friends do.

"So, what do we usually talk about?"

"What- what do you mean?"

"In your stories. What do we talk about? Or did you not specify?"

"No! I mean yes- I mean I did, a bit. I said we'd you know, tell inside jokes a lot."

"Right. We don't have any of those, maybe we should make some up,"

"Heh, yeah, maybe. Um, I also said we talked about what we wanted to do after school. And girls, sometimes."

The screen changed and Connor realized that Evan had won their last round of Mario Cart. "Yeah, I'm hoping to move to the city." 

"Oh, no school or anything?"

"Naw, I'm sick of school. Maybe one day, but I don't even really know what I want to do yet."

"What will you do in the city?"

"I don't know, work I guess. Walk down the streets, meet people, see art, listen to music." He shrugged. He almost added _start over_.

"That sounds great. I- I'm probably just gonna go to college."

"Where?"

"Well my mom can't really- we'll only be able to afford community college I think. So just here, I guess."

"Oh."

They played in silence again. Evan broke it this time.

"S- so, you- are there any girls? That, you know, you're interested in...?"

Connor tore his eyes from the screen to look at Evan, who seemingly panicked. 

"I- I'm so sorry. That's not really- I shouldn't have asked. That's private, and you probably don't want to tell me. It's just, we were talking about things that I told your parents about, and that was one of them, so I just assumed, but I shouldn't have, and yeah, just forget I asked."

Connor once again waited to make sure Evan was done.

"I haven't liked anyone like that in a long time. I'm just, not really into romance I guess."

"Oh."

 _That's not true._ Connor thought. _I have a great relationship with my right hand._ Thinking it made him blush. Luckily, Evan didn't notice.

"Oh, just so you know, Jared sent me the password to that email account,"

"Wait, really? I thought- but you hit him,"

Connor laughed. Short and sarcastic. 

"Maybe he respects people who don't take his bullshit,"

Connor won the race this time, putting him in the lead overall.

"So, um, do _you_ like anyone?"

Connor wasn't sure he'd ever seen anyone so flustered. Evan was stammering out incoherent sentences, and blushing so much, it was a wonder there was blood left for the rest of his body.

Once he finally calmed down, he managed out a feeble "There is this one girl...".

"Is it my sister?"

Nevermind. _That_ was the most flustered he'd ever seen anyone. It was a fucking miracle that Evan didn't faint, or drop his Wii remote, or just implode.

"H- how- well- no- maybe? Yes, okay yes. How did- how did you-?"

"You wrote about her in my suicide note, remember?"

"R- right. And um, how do you... how do you feel about that?"

Connor took a moment to mull it over. The thought left a dull anger in his chest, something he couldn't quite understand.

"I don't know yet."

Evan let out a breathy "Okay." and Connor was painfully reminded that Evan was afraid of him. 

_Don't blow up, don't blow up, don't blow up._

Connor clicked off the Wii, mid-race. 

"Hey, what-?"

"I just remembered. I have therapy in a half hour. I should probably get ready,"

"Oh. Uh, okay." 

Evan got up and collected his things, pausing at the door. 

"It was really nice to hang out with you,"

Connor had to speak past the growing pressure in his chest. 

"Yeah, you too."

As soon as the door was shut, and Connor couldn't hear Evan's footsteps anymore, he slammed his fist into a door frame. He cursed at the resulting pain, but did it once more for good measure. 

He looked down at the blossoming bruises and sighed.

_Why does having friends have to be so hard?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE: Heyyyy, so I've been crazy busy and this is kinda on hold but it'll be back I swear


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